"That tells me everything I need to know

"That tells me everything I need to know." Jamie leaned down and gave Ryan one last smooch, then hurriedly put on her discarded clothes and went up to tell whomever was in the living room that they were going to have to fend for themselves.

* * *

At seven-thirty, Jamie looked over her wineglass, smiling at Ryan. "You look lovely," she said for the fourth time.

Ryan smirked. "Then why did every guy and a couple of women turn and watch you walk ahead of me?"

"They were just trying to make sure they had enough room to get behind me to grab you." "Not a chance. They knew who the beauty was, and so do I." "I still say they were all looking at you." "Only to ﬁgure out why you were completely dry and my suit was covered with droplets of

rain. I could just see people trying to ﬁgure out whether I was walking on a diﬀerent side of the

street and got caught in a tiny storm."Jamie laughed and squeezed Ryan's hand. "Silly girl. You'd be dry if you'd used an umbrella." Ryan made a sour face. "I hate umbrellas. They're bulky and they drip all over the place. I

always leave the little ones somewhere, and the big ones are a pain.""You could have worn your rain jacket." With an even more sour look, Ryan said, "I can't wear a bright nylon rain jacket over my nice

suit." She ran her hand down a lapel. "That would look way stupid. I should have a real raincoat." Jamie's eyes saucered. "Are you seriously considering buying non-sports related clothing?" Ryan's smile was sickly. "Yes, Jamie, I am. I want to look like an adult, and adults have

raincoats. I can get one on the Internet." "No you can't. Your arms are too long to just order one that will ﬁt."Ryan took a sip of her drink, something from the specialty drink menu that contained

several types of liquor and some cranberry juice. The choice had surprised Jamie, but she liked

that Ryan was trying to ﬁnd a drink that suited her. "I suppose you have a solution to that?""You know I do, so stop playing cat and mouse and tell me what kind of raincoat you want." Ryan's forehead furrowed for a few minutes, and Jamie could almost see the thoughts

running through her head, with color and style and length all zipping along. "I want one like private detectives wear in old movies." Blinking slowly, Jamie reminded herself that she and Ryan thought about fashion in

diﬀerent ways. "Okay. What color?" "I don't know. The movies were in black and white." Trying not to laugh, Jamie led her along. "You can have any color you want. Khaki is kinda

standard, but you can have anything from oﬀ-white to black."

"Hmm." Ryan took another sip of her drink, clearly thinking. "Let's go black." She put her drink down and quickly added, "But make sure it's got those ﬂaps up here," she patted the spot right above her breast, "and a belt."

"You want a traditional trench coat." "Whatever. Just don't make it too warm. I don't want lining or anything." "Honey," Jamie said, again trying to make sure her voice didn't betray how funny she found

this, "you have to have lining. But I'll make sure it's very lightweight. I know you'll want to wear

it all year.""Yeah, I will. I love my winter coat, but I can only wear it when it's really cold outside." "I understand completely: lightweight, black, and traditional." "Make sure it has stuﬀ like buttons and ﬂaps and a belt," Ryan said, looking very serious.Making sure the smirk she felt didn't show, Jamie nodded solemnly. "So, tell me about your

talk with Sara."

Ryan took another sip, then set the glass down. She leaned back in her chair and adopted the expansive posture she always assumed when she was going to tell a story. Her chest stuck out and her head cocked a little bit to the side. "Like I said earlier, I made the right choice. But if I'd known what Sara was going to say, I never would have gone there." She allowed a sly half smile.

"More," Jamie insisted. "Well, if I had to tell you what she said in just a few words, I'd say she kicked my butt." "Really? Sara?"

"Yeah. Surprised the heck out of me. I went to see her because I wanted to talk to somebody who's known me for a really long time, someone who knows how I am about money. But I also wanted someone who wouldn't think I was crazy for not wanting a big pile of money set in front of me."

"And Sara didn't do that?"

"No, she didn't. She told me that I was mistreating you and that I had to change to be your partner."

"Really?" Jamie's mouth fell open.

"Yup. And hearing that from Sara, the one person I knew would be on my side, really knocked some sense into me." She took another sip of her drink. "I'm just going to have to suﬀer through being doused in dough. I'm sure all of the orphans living on twenty-ﬁve cents a day will feel very sorry for me." Her smirk was back in full force.

"That's not being fair to yourself. I know this is a continual adjustment for you and I know you're doing your best."

"Not really." Ryan's earnest face drew closer to Jamie's. "I haven't done my best. You've been incredibly patient with me, and I haven't made the eﬀort to meet you halfway. I'm going to try harder."

Beaming, Jamie put her hand on Ryan's and squeezed it tightly. "Thank you. We've had a busy, traumatic, tumultuous year, baby, and I think you've done your best-even if you don't. But I would like to feel that I can spend some money and not have to apologize for it."

"Name it. What would you like?"

"Mmm… I'd like to travel a little bit." When she saw Ryan's eyes widen, she added, "Nothing big. I'd like to go to Pebble Beach for a few days. I want to get away so we can have some privacy."

"Living with the boys isn't great for you, is it?" Ryan looked both sad and resigned.

"It's ﬁne! It's nice to be with your brother and your cousins. They bring a lot of life to the house. But I need time alone, too."

"I understand. We'll make plans to go away."

"I was thinking we'd go tomorrow," Jamie said with a touch of hesitation.

"Tomorrow? That's so…soon."

"Yeah, it is, but we don't have any commitments."

Ryan held up a ﬁnger. "I have one, a big one. I want to make sure Jennie gets settled in summer school. Can we go after that?"

"When does she start?"

"Monday. Did I tell you I made an appointment to talk to Robin Berkowitz on Monday morning?"

"Nope. Why do you want to talk to your old advisor?"

Ryan's smile was guileless. "I want to start planning for the future. I thought she might have some ideas that can help me focus."

"That's the last thing you need help with."

"I'm just reviewing my options. After I talk to her I'll spend a bit of time with Jen, then we can leave whenever you'd like." She grinned beguilingly.

"That's very ﬂexible of you." Jamie smiled and leaned closer, saying quietly, "I want you to stay ﬂexible so I can tie you into knots when we get to Pebble Beach."

* * *

They had put the car in the restaurant's valet parking, and while they were waiting for it to be delivered, Jamie puzzled over why Ryan was always not just willing, but determined not to park on the street. "Why don't you mind spending money on valet parking? I'm always a little surprised when you don't want to hike a mile or two."

Ryan looked down. "One, when we go out, you always wear nice shoes, shoes that I can't imagine are comfortable to walk in. Two, if we ever had to run, you're a real disadvantage. Sorry, baby, but you just can't keep up with these long legs." She held up her hand and was just about to touch her third ﬁnger when Jamie interrupted.

Laughing, she said, "It's just a restaurant reservation. We can be a few minutes late. We don't have to sprint." A pall of sadness that Jamie hadn't seen in quite a while settled onto Ryan's face.

"I don't ever leave my car somewhere if I'm not conﬁdent I could run away from trouble." She put her arm around Jamie's shoulders and hugged her tightly. "I love going out with you, but you slow me down." She laughed just enough to make a small reverberation against Jamie's ear.

It still took a second for Jamie to recall the time that Ryan had been gay bashed. She thought to herself how experiences like that changed almost every day of Ryan's life. She realized that she and Ryan didn't look at the world the same way. Even though remarkably bad things had happened to Jamie, they didn't color her world like they did Ryan's. From Jamie's perspective, she'd had more than her share of encounters with criminals and she was now basically home free. Ryan took those same experiences and convinced herself that any of them could happen again at a moment's notice. Given the choice, Jamie was glad for the way she dealt with trauma, but she was grateful that Ryan had the more pragmatic approach. Given her partner's penchant for having trouble ﬁnd her, it was probably wise.

Their car was delivered and when they pulled away, Ryan took a wrong turn. "You should've turned right, honey," Jamie directed.

"I don't mean to brag, but I think I could draw a map of this neighborhood from memory. I know where I'm going.'

"Where are you going?"

"To Berkeley. I wouldn't mind a little quiet myself." She turned brieﬂy and locked eyes with Jamie's. "It's Saturday night. You know that increases the likelihood that one of our roommates will bring home some lucky girl. And even though I hate to admit that my father was right, I really hate to hear my brother banging the hell out of some woman." She looked like she was about to be sick. "Da said having dates over would lead to trouble, and he was right."

"I've never heard sex going on. Are you being serious?"

"Deadly."

"Where was I?"

"Sound asleep, princess. It happened last Saturday night. Conor got in late, well after we were asleep. You didn't stir, of course, but I got to hear the springs squeaking for a ridiculously long time. I hope the poor woman wanted to go at it as long as they did." She shivered, again, looking vaguely ill.

"I'm really, really glad I missed that."

"I think I'd like it better if Kevin had the room above ours. Conor is one step too close on the relative scale for me to hear him having sex."

Jamie reached out and put a death grip on Ryan's arm. "If you can hear him..."

"Not to worry," Ryan said soothingly. "I don't hear voices; it's just the springs in the bed. That kind of sound travels down."

"Are you sure he can't hear us?"

"Pretty sure." Ryan thought of the extra insulation she had forced Conor to put in around the heating ducts the previous year. "When we get back, I'll go up into his room and listen while you make your typical howls." She giggled, sparing a quick look at Jamie.

"I'll go upstairs. Your voice is deeper than mine and probably travels farther. I swear, if I hear one sound..."

"I'm with you on this one. I hated that Mia always knew when we were having sex."

Jamie let out an embarrassed laugh. "For some reason, that didn't bother me one bit. I actually kinda liked it."

"Really?" Ryan asked, stunned.

"I wouldn't have liked it if she could hear anything speciﬁc. She promised she could only hear vague shrieks and laughter. I guess I didn't like her hearing as much as I liked that we could be ourselves, that we didn't try to be quiet. We all trusted each other enough to know that Mia wasn't titillated by it."

Ryan shot her another look. "I wish I felt that way about my brother. He could easily block me out and think about you." For the third time that night, she looked as if she could easily have been sick.

* * *

Jordan had only been home from her European trip for a day, but Mia was ready for her when she arrived. In the few days she'd had alone, she'd packed up most of their stuﬀ; the boxes were sitting in piles in the sparsely furnished living room.

"Are you in a hurry?" Jordan asked, coming in the door with Toni, Jill, Ekaterina, and Makela.

"No," Mia lied, saying hello to the women she was itching to get away from. She accepted a warm hug from Jordan, then they went into their room. "Hell yes, I'm in a hurry," she whispered. "I would have moved stuﬀ myself if I knew anyone who could help. When you get home tomorrow night, we're outta here." She looked as pleased as it was possible for a person to be. "Now let's welcome you home and make love for the last time in this disgusting dump."

"Gosh, you sure do know how to get me in the mood." Jordan wrapped Mia in a tight hug and said, "I'm always in the mood when I'm with you. Let me take a quick shower and we'll have a proper goodbye for our disgusting dump." She was laughing to herself as she went into the hallway to claim the bathroom.

* * *

After Jordan went to practice the next day Mia dialed her parents' home number. "Hi, Mom," she said when her mom picked up.

"What softball game are you at now?" Anna Lisa said, clearly not in the mood to let their last ﬁght die.

"I'm in Colorado Springs." Mia was quite proud of herself for not rising to the bait. She was going to be an adult, even if she was alone in that quest. "Jordan and I are moving into a new apartment and I wanted to give you the address. If you want it."

"Move? Why are you moving? Where'd you get the money?"

"I'll answer the ﬁrst question. We're moving because it's too hard living with all of these other players. It's hard for Jordy to relax at night, and it's too depressing for me to be in these bare rooms all day. It doesn't seem like home."

"It's not supposed to. It's a temporary place that you might have to leave at any time. Did you have to sign a lease?"

"No. It's a furnished place and we pay month to month." She was tempted to say that Catherine was paying the tab, but knew that would set her mother oﬀ.

"I don't see how you can aﬀord that or why you'd want to. I've told you be-"

"Mom," Mia interrupted, "I don't mean to be rude, but I didn't call to ask permission to move. We're moving this afternoon. I just want to give you my new address."

"Do I get your phone number, too, or is that only for your friends?"

Mia could almost see her mother's narrowed eyes and feel their coldness. "We only have cell phones. We didn't want to spend the money to have a land line installed."

"Ooo, so now you're pinching pennies. It's important to have a real phone line. I saw something in the news about cell phones not being able to call your local 911."

"My phone works ﬁne. I'll double check to make sure my service knows I'm in Colorado."

"Fine. Whatever. So you don't even ask about our vacation?"

"Okay. How was your vacation?" Mia was so tempted to add that she really wasn't interested in the vacation she had been prohibited from going on. She was angry with her mother for disinviting her, and even angrier with her brother for taking her spot. But she did not want to have another ﬁght.

"Don't bother asking if that's all the enthusiasm you can muster."

Reaching the end of her rope, Mia said, "What do you want me to say? You're trying to goad me into a ﬁght, and I'm not going to give it to you. I've had enough ﬁghting. I'm tired." And she sounded tired, very tired, almost drained.

There was a long silence, then Anna Lisa burst into tears. She cried so hard it took her a long while to catch her breath enough to speak. While she cried, Mia helplessly said soft words that she knew her mother couldn't even hear. "Don't cry, Mom. Please don't cry."

Finally regaining control, Anna Lisa said, "I don't know who you are anymore. You've changed so much that I don't feel like I know you. I miss the old you. I miss you so much," she said, starting to cry again.

Mia was so upset by this unusual display of emotion that her stomach was tied in knots. She didn't know how to respond, didn't have any idea how she could respond. She was diﬀerent, that was certain. But she felt she was growing up, which should have made her mother happy. At a total loss for words, she kept repeating, "I'm sorry, Mom. Please don't cry."

* * *

After taking a good long time to collect herself, Mia called Jamie, who, luckily, was available to talk. Mia gave her the whole rundown, then said, "I don't know what to tell her. Isn't she supposed to want me to stand on my own? Isn't that the point of being a parent?"

"Yeah, I suppose that is the point, but I think it's hard for them too."

"My mom has spent the last ten years chewing my ass out because I'm so immature and do such stupid things. All of my choices are bad. But when I do something that any outsider would agree has some thought behind it, she gets even angrier. How do I react to her?"

"I'm not sure. I don't know her well enough to guess what's going on in her head. Would Peter have any ideas?"

"Peter can go fuck himself. If he hadn't taken my ticket, she would've had to deal with me. He screwed me over by taking my spot, and he didn't even have the decency to call me."

"Maybe he didn't know. Maybe your mom told him she had just come up with this idea."

"No such luck. He knew I was going, and he knew I was going to try to get her to delay the vacation. He had a chance at a free trip, and he took it." She let out a soft moan. "I wish I knew how to get back to where my mom and I were just couple of years ago. She gave me a hard time about things, but I never doubted that she loved me. Now it's harder and harder to convince myself that she does."

* * *

Mia knew it was asking a lot, since Jordan was so tired after practice, but she had to get out of the apartment. Jill had a car, and even though she didn't oﬀer to carry any of the boxes, she did oﬀer the use of her vehicle.

Makela and Ekaterina were generous souls, and they helped take the boxes and wedge them into the small auto, managing to get many of them in. Jordan and Mia had to make about ten trips to get everything into the new apartment, but they had an elevator to their third ﬂoor place so it wasn't too arduous. Once they'd returned the borrowed car, they collapsed onto their new sofa and put their feet up on the substantial ottoman.

"This place is a little too much like a nice hotel room to seem like home, but it's so many times nicer than where we were that I feel like I'm dreaming," Jordan said, her contented smile making Mia smile in return.

"I'm gonna have you on that counter," Mia said thoughtfully, pointing to the kitchen, "and on this sofa, and the ottoman, and on that chair, and, of course, the ﬂoor. Then we'll hit the bathroom and the bedroom."

Jordan turned her head and smiled at Mia. "Most people would start in the bedroom. That's one more thing I like about you: you don't stand on convention."

* * *

Ryan had been trying to talk to her undergraduate advisor, Robin Berkowitz, since the day after graduation. But Robin had the good sense to go on a vacation with her husband, leaving anxious grads like Ryan to hold their questions until her return. Actually, there were very few students just like Ryan. The other students waiting for Robin's return were her grad students and a few worried undergrads who were undecided on their fall schedules. Most graduates who were not going on to grad school left Berkeley on graduation day and only returned for football games, if they stayed in the Bay Area. But as Ryan proved so many times in her life, she wasn't average in many ways.

Robin's secretary scheduled Ryan for the ﬁrst available slot, which was nine a.m. on the Monday Robin returned from her holiday. The professor was still working on her ﬁrst cup of coﬀee when the familiar face appeared, peeking around the doorframe. "I thought I'd gotten rid of you," Robin said, clearly teasing.

Ryan took that as an invitation to enter. She sat down on the chair in front of Robin's desk, smiling. "No such luck. I'm probably the kind of person that most teachers hate."

Laughing, Robin said, "Yeah. We all hate people with a lot of talent who work hard and never waste our time. That's all we talk about when we get together in the lounge."

"I'm not saying I'm diﬃcult, I know I'm not, but I'm the kind who wants to pick your brain long after I should have made up my own mind."

Robin picked up a pencil and held it in both hands. She rolled it against her upper lip while appraising Ryan carefully for a few moments. "Still no idea of what you're gonna do next, huh?"

Sighing, Ryan said, "Oh, I have ideas. Too many ideas. That's the problem-I can't knock anything oﬀ the list."

"Give me the list again. I know it's a long one." She grinned unrepentantly.

Ryan held up her hand and ticked oﬀ items. "I want to be a ﬁreﬁghter and do swift water rescue, but Jamie's against it."

"Apparently Jamie's even smarter than you are," Robin said drolly.

"No doubt. I love chemistry, but not enough to focus on it."

"Then knock it oﬀ the list. Knock oﬀ the ﬁreﬁghting, too. You can't do that without your partner's support."

With her shoulders notably slumped, Ryan pulled both ﬁngers back into a ﬁst. She started again, letting her index ﬁnger pop up. "Bio. Love it."

"Enough to spend your career doing research and publishing?"

Making a face, Ryan shook her head. "I don't think I could teach. It's appealing, but I don't want to deal with all of the politics."

"Politics are everywhere. You can't escape them."

"True…" Ryan shook her head again. "I couldn't just do bio. I'd miss math too much."

"Then do math."

"Mmm… It's not that simple." She scooted forward in her chair, ﬁxing Robin with an earnest stare. "I don't want to sound like I have a God complex, but I want to do something important with my life."

"Don't we all? Especially when we're twenty-two."

"I'm twenty-ﬁve, and no, I don't think we all want to be of service. I want to do something that beneﬁts the greatest number of people possible."

Not trying to hide her smirk, Robin said, "How many people do you think the swift water rescue people plunk out of the water every year?"

Slipping back against the chair, Ryan scrunched up her eyes and rubbed at them with a ﬁst. "If I can't do what I really want, I want to do something that beneﬁts a lot of people."

"Good. At least you're able to be honest. Having the ability to see your foibles will help you make the right decision. What's wrong with math? You know you're damned good."

"Yeah, yeah, I love math and I know I'm gifted. But am I gifted enough to do something huge?"

"Huge as deﬁned by whom? Other mathematicians?"

"No, as deﬁned by…I don't know…history." Her voice had grown more quiet when she said the last word.

Laughing again, Robin said, "Make no small plans, right?"

"Yeah, I'd say that's something I believe in. I want to do something that helps the world."

"Well, that could be math, but you've gotta get very lucky. You've gotta do something practical, like work on a team that discovers a new way to do something big."

"Like what? I've had a hard time ﬁguring out what that would be."

"Well," Robin stared at a point over Ryan's head for a few moments, "they couldn't have split the atom without math. Maybe you could work to discover a way to create non-polluting energy."

"Mmm." Ryan put her chin on her ﬁst. "I'd have to work for the government or a big company and make sure I was on the right team."

"And make sure the other people on the team are as talented as you are. That's a big one. Politics comes into that, too. You know the energy companies don't want cheap power."

"Don't make me nuts. I'm doing that well enough on my own."

"True. But it shouldn't be that hard to ﬁnd something that would give you a chance to make a diﬀerence. There's no guarantee. Actually, the odds are very slim. You know how many people earn a Ph.D. in math every year? How many of them get to do something that changes the world?"

"Two? Three?" Ryan said glumly.

"Maybe a few more, but not many more. It's a big world, Ryan. It's also tough to change."

Looking at her with a remarkably sincere expression, Ryan said, "Am I being really immature? Do I want something it's not possible to have?"

"You're twenty-ﬁve. You're supposed to be immature," Robin said, smiling warmly. "And what you want is possible; it's just not probable. It's a shot in the dark."

"Do you think I have the goods to be a great mathematician? I love pure math, and even though there's no practical application for most new proofs, I think I could be pretty happy working on them."

"You're twenty-ﬁve, right?" Robin started twisting the pencil again, moving it faster and faster. She set it on her desk and looked directly into Ryan's eyes. "You're a little long in the tooth. If you were obsessed with something, you'd have been working on it already. You also wouldn't be participating in sports." She said this with a mixture of disdain and puzzlement. "You probably wouldn't have a girlfriend, and you wouldn't be a double major. Math would be it for you, and I don't think it's gonna start eating up every moment of your time if it hasn't done that so far."

Ryan nodded. "That's what I think. It's like a security blanket for me, but I have a whole lot of other things that can completely capture my attention."

"Such as?"

"Well, if I wasn't so enmeshed with my family, I think I could be happy being a ski bum or a surfer." She was thoughtful for a moment, her voice getting softer and a satisﬁed smile covering her face. "Or snorkeling all day. I've never had a better time than when we were in the Bahamas."

"Snap out of it!" Robin teased. "I just got back from Cabo San Lucas and you're making my brain go right back there."

"Oh, shoot! I didn't even ask how your vacation was."

"Don't worry about it. You're not here for me; I'm here for you."

"Not any more," Ryan said glumly. "I've graduated."

"Free counseling for you. You're a special woman and I'd love to help you ﬁnd a good ﬁt."

"What about being a physician? Jamie thinks I'd be good at it."

"Yeah. I could see that. But not if Jamie's the one who wants it."

Ryan slumped down again. "Yeah, it's mostly her. I think I could get into it, though. I know I'd love the patient interaction."

"But…?"

"I'd rather do research to ﬁnd a way to cure cancer or something." She gulped. "I can't believe how that sounded! I know I'm not going to be the one person to ﬁnd a way to cure something that probably has a thousand causes. But I want the chance to do something big, and looking at kids' ear infections would be a nice way to make a living but it wouldn't help me reach my goal."

"Got it." Robin took the pencil and tucked it behind her ear, but she immediately picked up another one and tapped it on the desk. "I've got one word for you: technology."

Eagerly, Ryan nodded. "What about it?"

"I believe you can make a bigger impact in technology than you can in any other ﬁeld. You still need a heck of a lot of luck, but you have the opportunity to make a bigger diﬀerence as an individual than in most other things. People who want to do something big are either going into technology or investment banking, and I don't see money as your big thing."

Making a sour face, Ryan shook her head. "Not my thing."

"So," Robin said, nodding in satisfaction, "here's what I think. You can get a job in tech and make a new scanner that detects cancer no one has been able to spot. You can come up with a cheap computer that lets people in very poor places have access to information they would never have otherwise. You can help make water cleaner, power cheaper, cars cleaner, sun less damaging. There are thousands of ways you could make a real diﬀerence. And you don't even have to have a Ph.D. It might help you get a good job, but you don't need it."

"Would getting a Ph.D. in math be a big help?"

"Mmm, not necessarily, but it wouldn't hurt. How much comp sci do you have?"

"Not much. Two upper division classes."

"Spend some time nailing CS. Really get into it and see if it sparks something in you. Get a masters or a Ph.D. if you ﬁnd some research project you fall in love with, then go work for somebody big. Or somebody who's going to be big. But don't spend your life in a university if you don't love teaching and doing research. You'll feel trapped."

"Do you feel trapped?" Ryan asked, her eyes wide with concern.

"Not a bit. I love teaching, and this will still be a great job when we start a family-great beneﬁts, time oﬀ, and a ﬂexible schedule. Is that important to you? I don't know how you and Jamie have set things up."

"Having ﬂexibility is important, but it's not critical." She ﬁdgeted a little bit, not willing to tell Robin she'd be able to hire people to do a lot of things for her if she needed to.

"It's critical for me. My husband's a sweetheart, but he's not going to be a stay-at-home dad. I'm gonna have to do the lion's share."

"One more beneﬁt of being a lesbian." Ryan held up two ﬁngers as she grinned mischievously. "Two moms."

* * *

Jamie was sitting outdoors reading the newspaper and didn't hear Ryan when she came home. At around eleven she heard Maria Los' car pull into the drive, so she went into the house to say hello. Hearing clicking noises coming from upstairs, she went to Ryan's room and found her diligently scanning her computer screen. "When did you get home?"

Not tearing her attention away from the screen, Ryan said "Ten, ten-thirty... Not sure."

Jamie grabbed a section of her hair and gave it a sharp tug, then she sat down on the bed and stared at the back of her head. "You don't even tell me when you're home anymore? That's kind of rude."

Ryan didn't turn around. Her ﬁngers danced on the keys as she continued to search for whatever was occupying her mind. "I'm sorry. Robin just told me some things and I started thinking about them, and then I remembered that they might start today so I wanted to see if there was one that I could get into."

Jamie grasped the back of Ryan's desk chair and pulled until her partner could no longer reach the keys. Then she swiveled Ryan around so they were face-to-face. Grasping the arms of the chair with both of her hands, she held tight. "What are you talking about?"

Ryan turned her head, looking longingly at the keyboard, then she faced Jamie again and said, "Robin thinks the best thing for me to do is to go into some form of technology. But to do that, I really need more computer science. Summer school starts today so I thought I'd-"

Jamie clapped her hands over Ryan's mouth, not letting her even speak the last words. "No way," she said decisively. "You are not going to summer school."

"But, Jamie," Ryan said as soon as a hand was removed. Immediately it was clamped down again.

"I understand without you saying another word. Robin gave you an idea about yet another ﬁeld of study that you can focus your prodigious brain on. But we're not doing that this year. We agreed. And by 'we' I mean you and me. You're not going to back out of this, Ryan. We're taking this year oﬀ. During this year you may consider…only consider your future ﬁelds of study, but you may not take classes in those ﬁelds or any other. Well, I would let you take a class in ceramics or glassblowing or carpentry or something for pure fun, but nothing for career. You're going to spend this year learning how to relax."

She took her hand away and Ryan didn't speak for another moment. She looked as though she wanted to speak, but knew that whatever she would say would not be appreciated. Turning back toward her computer, she systematically closed each of the windows that she had been working in. When she closed the last one, she put her computer to sleep.

Sitting there, facing away from Jamie for a few moments, the silence in the room was heavy. In the background they could hear Maria Los running the vacuum cleaner, but the sound seemed very far away. Finally Ryan turned around. She didn't look happy, but she didn't look as agitated as she had two minutes earlier.

"I understand what we agreed to for this year, I really do, but you have to understand that it's very hard for me to relax if I don't have a goal. I don't know what my next goal is, Jamie."

She got up and walked over to the window and settled herself onto the sill. "I guess you're not like this, but I have to have something I'm working towards. I structure my life around goals -some small, some large-but I always have one. If you won't let me do a little exploration into computer science, I won't know if that's something I should be working towards. That puts me right back to where I've been, which is...aimless."

She looks so distraught that Jamie felt her resolution begin to crumble. "I think I understand that." She turned toward Ryan and drew both of her feet up on the bed, sitting cross-legged. She leaned over a little and rested her elbows on her knees. "I think I understand how you are. But to be honest, I'd like you to try to be a little diﬀerent. I'd like you to try to truly relax for a change. I know it's something you've never done, but I think it would be good for you. So if you work with me at least through the summer, we can revisit this in the fall. How's that?"

Ryan's lips were set in a thin line. "I suppose I don't have any options. I agreed to take the year oﬀ, so I have to."

"I'm asking you for three months. You agreed to a full year, so cut me some slack."

"I'd like to, but I was in a diﬀerent place mentally when I agreed to take the year oﬀ. I don't feel overwhelmed anymore. Now I'm itchy to do something, and I think taking some computer classes would keep me busy and let me see if this is the direction I want to take."

"When you say 'classes', what do you mean?"

"Well, there's three that I think could be helpful."

Jamie's eyebrows popped up. "Three? Did you say three?"

"Yeah," Ryan said, her voice very soft.

"How many days a week do these classes meet?"

Her voice was barely a whisper. "Two are on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and the third is on Tuesday-Thursday."

"So you want to take a class every day of the week, while getting ready for the breast cancer walk, while keeping an eye on Jennie, not to mention tutoring her like you promised. And, of course, keeping me happy. Not necessarily in that order." She ﬁnally let a smile show.

"It's only three classes. I used to take ﬁve classes and work full time at the gym, and I still had plenty of time for a social life."

"You gave that up. Being in a relationship isn't the same as having a social life. I know it might not make much sense to you, but pleasing one woman is a lot harder than pleasing dozens for an hour at a time." She stretched her legs out, put her feet on the ﬂoor, and walked over to Ryan. Insinuating herself into the small space of her lap, she put an arm around her neck and nuzzled her face against Ryan's cheek. "I'm sorry I sounded so parental. If this is something you have to do, I'm certainly not going to stop you. But I would very much prefer that you didn't sign up for anything this summer. That's only three months."

Ryan sighed so heavily, she almost dislodged Jamie from her lap. "All right. I did promise, and I hate to go back on my promises."

Tickling under her chin, Jamie said, "Is there is no part of you that's looking forward to having the summer oﬀ?"

Responding immediately, Ryan ﬁrmly said, "None."

Jamie got up and fondly ran her hand across Ryan's cheek. "You know I want you to be happy, but I've gotten burned several times letting you do things that I thought were too much for you."

She ticked oﬀ the items on her ﬁngers. "Basketball, starting softball while you were still playing basketball, and doing the math competition while you were playing a sport. I gave in every single time. I think it's your turn to give in to me." She bent and kissed Ryan's cheek. "Think about it. If you can't bear to relax, go ahead and do what you want. I'm not trying to guilt trip you, honey. I'm trying to get you to change a big part of your personality. I know I'm asking for a lot, and if you can't do it I'll do my best to understand."

Ryan nodded, watching Jamie leave the room. She wedged her body into the window, getting her feet tucked against the far jamb and drawing in her knees until they almost touched her nose. She looked ridiculous, but she was better able to think when she was in a conﬁned space. The breeze blew across her, bringing in the sweet scents of spring. Closing her eyes, she tried to think of what they could possibly do for three months. She knew Jamie could be happy reading, going on bike rides, and just hanging out. But she knew just as certainly that would drive her stark raving mad.

* * *

Almost an hour later, Jamie peeked her head into Ryan's room, dismayed when she found her wedged into her window. "Ryan," she said, exasperation in her voice, "if it means that much to you, take your computer science courses. I'm not going to force you to have fun."

Ryan looked at her, blinking for a few seconds. "Huh? What did you say?"

Jamie walked over to her and put one hand on her shoulder and the other on her knee. Looking into her eyes, she asked, "Are you sulking, or thinking?"

"I'm thinking," Ryan said, her eyes ﬁlled with innocent question. "Why would I be sulking?"

"Never mind." Jamie kissed her on the temple, then walked over to the bed and sat down. "Do you want to talk about what you were thinking about?"

Ryan started to disentangle her long body from the window. Once she had her feet on the ground, she started to stretch, wincing occasionally. "Boy, I got stiﬀ."

Jamie didn't comment, thinking that most people would expect to be stiﬀ after forcing themselves into a space the size of a large suitcase for over an hour.

Ryan got down on the ﬂoor and performed a series of stretches that had Jamie spellbound. While leaning over from the waist with her legs stretched out straight in front of her, Ryan waited until her head nearly touched her legs to start to speak. Her projection wasn't crystal clear, but Jamie heard her say, "I'm trying to make myself forget about all the stuﬀ Jennie has gotten away with over the last month or two. I want to pick her up from summer school this afternoon, and I don't want to show how disappointed I still am in her."

Jamie studied the back of Ryan's head, looking at the neat twist she had made with her hair. As she often did, she'd just twisted it around a few times and stuck a pencil through it, and somehow managed to make it look cute. Trying to force her attention back to the subject at hand, Jamie said, "She's pretty perceptive. Why not just tell her the truth and be done with it?"

Ryan sat up and looked at her for a moment. "I don't know if that's a good idea. I don't want to be holding stuﬀ over her head."

"Agreed, but you are, even though you don't want to be. I don't think it's a bad thing for her to understand she has some work to do to regain your trust."

Doing a few more stretches, Ryan was silent. Jamie placidly watched her, knowing she was thinking.

Ryan sat up and nodded. "I think you might be onto something there. I don't want her to feel like she has to beg to get back into my good graces, but it's probably good for her to realize that her actions have repercussions."

She got to her feet and put her arms over her head, looking as though she were trying to touch the ceiling. An inch of her belly was exposed and Jamie considered leaping for it, but she was a little conservative about their rough play ever since she'd broken her elbow. Instead, she crooked her ﬁnger at Ryan. When Ryan stood by the bed, Jamie wrapped her arms around her hips and tumbled her down so they were both lying on their sides. "Do you want to stay in San Francisco tonight?"

"No, I don't think so. If we're going to Pebble Beach in the morning, we might as well leave from here. I think I'll ride my motorcycle over and take Jennie to our house. I'll help her get organized and then I'll drive her back to Oakland. That'll give us a little more time together."

"Does she need my help with anything?"

"I'll ask, but I don't think so. I think she looked for the easiest class oﬀered to go along with the math class I insisted she take."

"Well, please tell her I'm always willing to help. You know I'll go with you today if you want me to, right?"

"Of course I do. But you should probably stay here and decide what we should take with us to Pebble Beach. You're a fantastic packer."

"Practice makes perfect. Did you tell Sandy you were going to pick Jennie up?"

"Not yet, but it's on my to-do list. I still feel guilty about not telling her about Jennie hitchhiking and ditching school."

"Yeah, but I understand why you didn't. At this point it would just give her more to worry about."

"That's what I thought, too. Having eight teenage girls under your care is something I wouldn't wish on anyone."

Grinning, Jamie said, "What if we have octuplets?"

Ryan pushed herself up into a sitting position then looked back and gave Jamie a smirk. "We'll pick the cutest one and give the other seven to infertile couples. People will think we're incredibly generous. Ha ha ha!" She laughed loudly, almost sounding evil. "And the best part is, we'd be on TV and in all the magazines. You know how much I miss that." She put her hands around her neck as if she was strangling herself. Stumbling around the room, she then dragged herself through the open doorway, making it look as though someone were pulling her.

"Good luck!" Jamie yelled after her. "Let me know whether you'll be home for dinner."

"I will," Ryan's scratchy, choked oﬀ voice replied.

* * *

Before she left, Ryan called Sandy and got her permission to pick Jennie up, then she called the car service that picked Jennie up from school and told them they wouldn't be needed. Strapping the extra helmet on the back of her bike, she took oﬀ for San Francisco. The weather was still gloomy and gray, but it hadn't rained and the streets were dry.

Ryan had left in plenty of time, so she drove slowly and concentrated intently on driving defensively. Even though she'd driven at or below the speed limit, she was still a few minutes early. She got oﬀ the bike and went over to stand with the assortment of mothers and nannies waiting for their kids.

The girls began to hurry from the building a few seconds after the ﬁnal bell rang. Most of them looked gleeful to be ﬁnished with at least one day of summer school. The procession of girls had slowed to a trickle and Ryan was beginning to worry that Jennie had spent her ﬁrst day skipping, but the girl ﬁnally emerged lethargically, looking down at the ground, totally oblivious to the other kids. Ryan walked up beside her and tapped her on the shoulder. Jennie's head snapped up and it took her a second for her eyes to

Part 3

What's Ya Poison?