Chapter 12

Devon woke to bright light and movement in the room. Sliding her arm across the mattress, she felt only the cold sheet beneath her palm. Squinting against the florescent glare, she saw Jillian packing. She cast a look over her shoulder in Devon’s direction, “Sorry I woke you.”

A feeling close to panic made Devon’s knees falter when she stood and she sank back down onto the bunk. The sight of Jillian dressed in civilian clothes while she stuffed the last of her belongings into a worn leather suitcase was terrifying. “What are you doing?” She didn’t even recognize her own voice.

The sound of the zipper closing was the only response Devon got. She watched Jillian silently move around the rest of the room, opening drawers and lockers, checking to ensure she had everything. Devon closed the distance but stopped a foot away.

Jillian always loved the way Devon looked in the morning. Her blond curls messy and her eyes still hazy from sleep. She ran her eyes over the length of that gorgeous form, knowing the strength and softness beneath the faded t-shirt and shorts. A smile pulled at her lips remembering the first time they met and Devon had changed into a nearly identical outfit. She knew right then she loved her. Right now, the sight of that love reflecting in her blue eyes was enough to tear her heart to shreds.

Jillian shook her head to push away the thoughts. No. She knew what she had to do. She sidestepped past Devon to close her other bag. “They’ll be here in five minutes.”

“Five minutes?” The fear in Devon’s voice was like a dagger in Jillian’s heart. “Who? What are you talking about, Jill?” Jillian couldn’t look at her.

“Martin’s man will be here. After I fill out the paperwork, they’ll take me to the airport later on.”

Devon tasted bile in her throat as she began to realize what was going on. Still, she needed to hear it. It was like a train wreck; she couldn’t look away from the impending impact.

“Tell me.”

Jillian raised her eyes to meet Devon’s and the sight of her blue eyes swimming in tears made her voice catch in her throat, “It’s over, Dev. I can’t do this anymore.”

Images of wet urgent kisses, cries of pleasure, the feel of Jillian’s body moving against hers through the night tumbled across Devon’s mind. “But…last night…I…you knew?”

Jillian dropped her eyes to her shoes and nodded. “I know I’m an ass,” she shrugged, “I just wanted one more night.”

Devon couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “So, last night was what…a goodbye fuck? And then you were going to leave today without a word?”

Jillian didn’t respond. Suddenly Devon was standing in front of her. Jillian raised her eyes again to look at her. She owed her that, at least. Her face was inches away. Kissing close. Her lips were still swollen from their passionate night. The blue eyes blazing into hers with intensity that she knew she would never forget.

“Tell me you don’t want me and I’ll step back.” Devon whispered.

Jillian quivered inside with the effort it took not to sweep Devon into her arms and hold onto her forever. She clenched her fists at her sides. Her eyes dropped to that perfect mouth a breath away. She knew Devon could see her fighting for control.

Bam, Bam, Bam Sharp banging on the door made both women jump. Jillian knew she should move, but her legs didn’t seem to want to obey her mind.

Without warning Devon drove her hands into Jillian’s hair, pulling her in for a desperate kiss that made Jillian’s knees weak. Bam, Bam, Bam. It was louder this time.

“Coming!” Jillian shouted. She gripped Devon in one last tight embrace. When she forced herself to step away her mask was back in place. She grabbed her bags and strode to the door. An MP was on the other side when she opened it. Devon stood shell-shocked watching her go.

Jillian thought her legs would buckle but she resolutely walked out, certain if she didn’t keep going she would lose her nerve. At the end of the hall, Jillian turned around one last time. “Goodbye Devon.” With that, she was gone.

Chapter 13

April, 1983

Devon stepped out of the terminal of the Baltimore-Washington International Airport, her duffle bag balanced on her right shoulder, another black duffle she carried by the handles in her left hand. Dropping the smaller bag, she waved for a taxi, which pulled to the curb in front of her. The driver exited and placed her bags into the trunk, opening the rear passenger door for the lieutenant to enter. It was unseasonably cold and a steady drizzle was coming down, making the day feel even chillier than the actual temperature.

“Where to, Miss?”

“Ft. Meade. Is it very far?” she inquired.

“No, Miss, only about twenty minutes.” The driver replied.

Nodding, Devon stared out the window at the passing landscape, riding in silence alone in her thoughts until they reached their destination. The yellow cab stopped at the MP guard shack at the base entrance. Devon handed her orders to the young man on duty, who snapped a smart salute upon recognizing the First Lieutenant bars on her collar. She had graduated at the top of her class and was rewarded with the increase in rank, and with the plum assignment she was now undertaking.

“Good evening, Ma’am.”

She nodded to the soldier, returning the salute.

“You’ll be in the M.I. officer building, ma’am,” speaking to the driver, he continued, “Follow the road around to the east a mile and a half, past the First Army buildings, make your first right, and the buildings you want will be at the end of the road.” With that, he saluted the lieutenant as the taxi drove on.

The driver pulled up in front of the brick building labeled ‘single officer’s quarters’. Devon exited the cab, settled the bill and retrieved her bags from the trunk. After stopping at the desk for her room assignment, she climbed the stairs and located her door. Dropping the black bag to insert the key into the lock, Devon couldn’t help but think of the last time she arrived at her duty station, meeting Jillian as she made her first clumsy entry to the room. The memory made her smile.

Alas, this time, the room was private, empty. Dropping her bags on the floor just inside, she closed the door behind her before walking to the bed nearest the door and flopping onto her back. It had been four months and she had only spoken to Jill once on the phone. Jillian had insisted that she not call again because it was too dangerous. Devon sent letters every day, careful to mail them off post, but she had no idea if she was getting them. She had no other address but her parent’s. She stared at the ceiling in the silence, feeling lonelier than she ever had in her life, wondering where Gillian was and praying she was okay.

#

Rising at 0500, so that she could go for her morning run, Devon laced up her sneakers and headed out. It was a cool, crisp morning and her breath was visible in the pale illumination from the lamp posts that lined the sidewalks. The sun was not yet on the horizon as she began stretching in preparation for her jog. She felt worn out mentally from battling her emotion, but looking forward to the first day, knowing that she needed to work in order to keep her mind occupied.

As she ran her mind drifted to the last phone conversation with Jillian.

“Hello?” The sweet melodic tone of the familiar voice washed into Devon’s consciousness like a gentle ocean wave lapping at the shore. For a moment she was unable to speak, her emotion closing her throat.

“Hello?” Jillian’s voice had a slight edge as she asked again.

“Hi baby,” Devon could barely get the words around the lump in her throat.

“Hey,” Jillian couldn’t hide her affection, “how are ya?”

“Good,” she heard the softness in Jill’s voice, revealing the feelings she was trying to hide.

“Are you okay?”

Jillian took in a shaky breath. “I’m fine…you don’t have to worry.”

“I still do, I told you it comes with the territory when you love someone.” Devon’s voice was low and heavy with feeling.

She heard Jillian draw in a deep breath and exhale loudly, then almost inaudibly, “Shit.”

“Jill?”

Jillian wiped the back of her hand over her cheek, where silent tears flowed from her eyes. She gathered her emotions before speaking, trying not to give herself away. “You shouldn’t be saying things like that.” She finally managed, knowing it was entirely possible that her phone was tapped. CID could be listening to them right now and Devon should not be taking chances.

“Things like what, the truth?” Devon countered.

“You know what I’m talking about, Dev.”

“Yeah, well, where you’re concerned I don’t think very rationally, I’m afraid.”

“Are you doing well? How soon is graduation?” Jillian steered the conversation back to neutral round.

“Six weeks. The major says I’ll get my next assignment orders soon.” Devon replied. Then although she knew Jillian didn’t want her to, she had to ask, “Jill, what about us? I’ve never felt so lost, I’m dying without you.”

The words tore holes in Jillian’s soul, but she resolutely maintained her composure, knowing that she had to release Devon. She spoke the hardest words of her life, “Devon, listen to me. There is no us, not anymore.”

“Jill, don’t—”

Jillian interrupted her, “You know it’s true.” Devon was silent now. “Devon, seriously I made my choice, the military just isn’t the place for me anymore. I thought I believed in all the honor and everything, but…now…,” she searched for words, “I want the best for you, Dev, I really do, but our lives are moving in different directions.”

Devon felt the words slicing her heart like a knife through butter. Her tears began flowing. “Please, Jillian,” she begged.

Devon’s pain was killing her. Jillian stopped to steady her breathing again, and sat because her knees felt as though they would give out.

“Please don’t call here again, Devon. Do yourself a favor and start fresh at your new assignment. Move on.” It felt like somebody else was saying the words. She could hear Devon crying on the other end of the line. Jillian felt physically sick. “I’m gonna go now.”

“I’m not hanging up.” Devon choked. “Please Gillian, don’t do this. I know you love me—” she heard a click and then a dial tone.

Devon held the phone in front of her face, staring at the buzzing receiver for a moment. Then she pressed it to her forehead as the tears flooded down her cheeks. Primal sobs escaped her throat until drained and exhausted she returned the phone to the cradle. Pushing her hands into the front pockets of her jeans, she walked blindly back to her room. Inside she stripped off her clothes, climbed naked into the cold, lonely bed and cried herself to sleep.

That call had been two months ago. After landing in Baltimore the night before Devon took a chance and called Gillian’s parent’s house from a payphone at the airport. A recording said the number had been disconnected with no forwarding number listed. Move on.

Now, working on her third mile, her thoughts wildly racing, Devon still couldn’t quite believe how everything had collapsed so suddenly. One day they were talking about their next assignments and their futures, and the next day CID was interrogating Jillian. Devon had heard that once they started investigating someone, it never really ended, unless you agreed to a discharge or worked a deal. Not until they got a confession or a guilty verdict in a court martial trial. Devon supposed that everything had just been too much for her. So she just left.

But then again, maybe Julie was right, maybe Jillian had never loved her, maybe she was just another in a long list of conquests that was expendable once the challenge was over. That might explain how she could just walk away from what they had that easily. Julie’s words echoed in her head, you don’t know her like I do. Maybe that was the brutal truth. The thought made Devon’s chest ache wondering how she could have been so wrong.

Unfortunately, the goodbye left Devon alone to deal with her own pain and unanswered questions. At first Devon thought she would never recover, but as time went on she was feeling stronger. Most importantly, the experience had given Devon a new understanding of the realities of life.

The painful lesson of Jillian Gray was one Devon James would carry forever. As Jillian always said, ‘Love makes you weak and careless.’ Devon couldn’t agree more. That trusting naïve little virgin was gone. She was in a new city where no one knew her, with a new job that was the envy of every officer in her job classification. It was time to quit worrying about what she couldn’t change.

Fuck it. Devon broke into a sprint, pushing her legs relentlessly for the last hundred yards of her five mile run, hoping to purge the final remains of the frustration and pain from her body.

Part 7

What's Ya Poison?