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Author's Note: Write me. 'I am very vain, you see, I like to hear nice things about myself.' (Kitty Butler in 'Tipping the Velvet')
Warnings and Disclaimers by d a m n a t i o n shag_chic@hotmail.com The key turned. The door swung open to reveal an apartment that was at once familiar and foreign to her. She was home again. Except that it really didn't feel like home to her at the moment, merely a place that held all of her belongings. The apartment had a musty smell. Jordan opened all the windows in the apartment--all three of them--and turned on the stereo. She left her bags by the door, loathed to unpack immediately, wanting to prolong her time away, wanting to pretend that she wasn't back in Sydney. She had been away almost three weeks but it felt like much longer. She sat in her lounge room, eyes closed, letting music wash over her. She took her time to digest the way she was feeling: all mixed up and topsy turvy. It was as though she was waiting for the feelings that she had left behind in Sydney to catch up with her. Nothing happened. No great emotion rushed up to overwhelm her. No grief overtook her. No nostalgia. Nothing. Feeling a little let down, she made a beeline for the bathroom then fell into bed after a quick shower. She would turn on her mobile the next day. She would unpack the next day. She would do her laundry the next day. Right now, she was content to exist in the limbo that plane rides always put her in. Everything could wait till the next day when her mind caught up with the distance her body just travelled. Stef tapped her fingers impatiently against her beer bottle. Already she was feeling bereft of Jordan's presence. Not knowing what to do with herself, she decided to take her mind off the lady by making a call to another lady--something that she had been putting off for almost a week now. Truth be told, up till that moment, she hadn't even give a second thought to returning the call. At least it would give her something to do. "Hey it's Stef, how's it going?" she said when Megan picked up the phone. "Yea. Stef. Faulks. Stefanie Faulkner. Yea. Yes, it's been a while." They had arranged to meet at an old haunt of theirs. Jordan hadn't been to that particular café much since her break up with Haley. Walking up the familiar street made her realize how different everything was now. She caught sight of him almost immediately. Her heart caught in her chest. Then he spotted her and smiled. The tension in her chest dissipated as she smiled back. There was nothing there now, just memories of good and bad times past. Bittersweet. All worth it. "Hey kid." "Hey. It's been a while." "Sure has." Jordan tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear and sat down. They spent a silent moment looking at each other, smiling, before they were interrupted by a waitperson asking Jordan for her order. Haley pushed something across the table towards Jordan. "What's this?" "A birthday present." Jordan looked at him, surprised. "It's not for a coupla weeks yet." "I won't be here. I'm off to the UK next week, travel, work..." he said, shrugging. "Open it." Jordan tore at the wrapping slowly. "Have you taken time off work?" Haley shook his head as he finished his café latté. "No, I've quit my job. Just felt like seeing what's out there, ya know. Before I get too old." Jordan nodded. She kinda understood what Haley felt; she felt like doing the exact thing. "It's funny, a mate of mine was saying that thirty five is kinda like a magic age for people. If you've never travelled before then, thirty five's the age where you feel the wanderlust; and if you've been travelling before then, you'll want to stop." "True or not, I do feel like I need a change of environment." "Same, I've been thinking of doing the same thing actually, ever since my trip to Cairns." "Oh, yes, how's Mach and Kell? I trust they're well?" Jordan nodded. Once Haley got Jordan started on her trip to Cairns, Jordan found herself rambling on and on about the reef, how amazing everything was out there, how she loved being so free, so small, amidst something so beautiful. "It sounds like you've fallen in love," Haley commented. "I hope my travels will bring me as much excitement and joy as yours did." He looked at his present for Jordan that she was holding absently in her hands and asked, "So, do you like it?" Reminded of what she was doing, Jordan looked down at her hands and saw a handmade wooden case. She opened it. Its heart was hollowed out to hold a row of colouring chalk. She ran a light finger over them admiringly. "Yes, I do. Thank you." "Mate of mine helped make the case," Haley said, pleased with the look of pleasure on Jordan's face. "It's magnificent." "Remember how you used to make me all those cards and how I used to go a little nuts when you used to leave all your drawings out?" Jordan chuckled, nodding. She wasn't the tidiest person in the world. It was a miracle that Haley and she had managed to live together for the amount of time that they did; he was always so neat whereas she existed in a plane of what she termed 'organized chaos'. "We had some good times, didn't we?" Haley said finally. Jordan nodded again, her eyes softening at the memories. "Haley, I just wanted to say thanks for trying to stay friends. I wasn't very receptive to begin with but-" "You're worth it. I'm sorry I hurt you, Jordan." Haley leaned forward in his seat. His even tone belied his earnestness. Jordan swiped at an imaginary tear and smiled. "I'm glad you stuck around, all these months. I think it would have been a lot harder if you had just disappeared from my life. I do want us to stay friends, Haley. All those things I said before about wanting you out of my life, I said them because I was hurting, you know that, right?" "That's why I'm still here. All right, enough D&M. Let's order some food, shall we? I'm starving." "God, it feels so good to get out," Kylie said languidly as she splashed around Lake Placid. "I am totally sick and tired of work." Stef shook her head vigorously before slicking her wet hair back as she threaded water. "I never get over how gorgeous it is out here. Ky, stick your head underwater and listen to the secadas. They sound so much louder there." Kylie did as she was told and resurfaced with a big smile on her face. "That's pretty amazing." She did it again and again, giggling to herself. Stef watched her and smirked. She loved Kylie's passion for life. "Did you wanna check out the opposite bank?" Stef asked when Kylie finally stopped disappearing underwater. Kylie shook her head. "Too lazy. You go. I'm just gonna hang out here and forget that there is such thing called work." Swimming cleared her head. Soon enough, Stef was merely aware of her need to breathe and the repetitive motion of the breast stroke. The world was reduced to the sound of water, the feel of water, and the slow tiring of her muscles. When Stef reached the opposite bank, she was breathing heavily. She shook her head vigorously as she climbed out of the water and sat on the bank to catch her breath before she began exploring. The ground was soft and her feet made slight depressions as she plodded along. After a few minutes, she got bored and sat herself back down on the bank. The shrill sound of insects fell around her like a curtain. She closed her eyes, a half smile on her face. It had been a fortnight since Jordan left. They kept in contact via text messages--infrequent ones that Stef hated to admit that she waited for all day long. Stef found herself spending long hours at the keyboard, practicing a score over and over in the attempt to push out any stray thought that she might have because these days, all her thoughts led to Jordan. Stef opened her eyes and stretched. The decision was made to rejoin Kylie. She was starving and Kylie had plans with some mates later this evening. It was probably time that they left. Stef sat herself down at the keyboard and began flipping the score book before her. She learnt how to play the piano when she was a lot younger but had only recently found the passion for playing. After a lapse of ten years, Stef was surprised to find out that she didn't forget too much of what she had learnt. She also noticed that while her younger self could play the piano rather efficiently, it was only now that she could feel what she was playing. She was enjoying this newfound relationship with the piano--or, in this case, the keyboard. Her conversation with Megan had been rather awkward. Megan didn't sound as though she had changed too much. She had overcompensated her year of absence with a friendliness that Stef did not buy, and Stef herself had sounded painfully polite. Some things were better left alone, Stef reckoned, and she told Megan as much in not so many words. The ringing of the phone jolted Stef from her thoughts and her fingers froze on the keyboard. Her heart skipped a beat; she wished that Jordan was on the other end but knew that it wasn't possible because Jordan didn't have her home number. Not wanting to speak to anyone who did, she allowed the machine to pick it up. Three hours later, Stef yawned and put the music book away. She hadn't realized that it was almost midnight. Kicking back on her couch, she began flipping the television channels. A familiar face came into view and her finger paused. It was James Beacon, being interviewed on a music channel about his new single and the making of the music video. Had that just been a little more than a month ago? Time couldn't possibly run on a linear track. "It was an amazing experience," the handsome James Beacon said on television. "The reefs is beautiful and we should all love and respect it." Then he went on to talk about what he thought about the music video. Stef was about to change the channel when the interview got personal. The questions weren't anything new but they took on a whole lot of meaning because Stef knew that he was interested in Jordan. She leaned forward in her seat and rested her chin against the remote control which she was clasping with both her hands. "There is someone whom I am very drawn towards. No, no, I'm not revealing anything--or rather, there's nothing to reveal at the moment." The interviewer was laughing, not believing that the person James Beacon was interested in would not reciprocate the singer's feelings. "You better believe it," James Beacon said, sounding rather rueful. "But I'll be trying my hardest because I believe that she is someone really special." The interview ended then, and the screen cut to his new music video. Stef wondered if he was talking about Jordan in his interview and, if he was, whether she knew. "I think you really need to get outta here, Stef," she mumbled under her breath. She was still in Cairns because she didn't know where to begin her travels; without a doubt, she wanted to be where Jordan was, but she didn't want to seem too full on. And anyway, for the past two weeks, she was content to just chill out in Cairns and indulge herself in the playing of music. Perhaps she could start by going up to mum's and hanging out with her for a week or so. Yungaburra was beautiful and she did so love the lake that was a skip and a hop away from her mother's house. Feeling a little edgy after watching James Beacon's interview, she stalked over to the answering machine and hit the Play button. It was Megan, asking if she wanted to go over to her place that weekend for a barbeque. Impulsively, Stef picked up the phone to ring Megan back. When Haley inquired about her current lovelife, Jordan hinted that there might be someone but that was it. Even her close friends, to whom she shared most of her news with, didn't know that her fling was with a woman. She was deliberately vague about it and no one had pushed too hard. It surprised her somewhat, the way she was acting. Truth be told, even though she had thought about being with girls, had openly admitted to her occasional attraction towards certain individuals of the same gender, she had never once given thought to what she would do if she ever acted upon those desires. It was outrageous, she knew, to feel a certain sense of perversion when she had always been a part of the queer community, what with Mach being gay and all. The only explanation she had was that she was out of the bubble, the bubble that held Stef and herself apart from everyone else, where all that mattered was the desire that they shared for each other and the attraction that she felt for Stef. She didn't know how to incorporate all that into the reality that she had returned to and it was easier to just push it aside for the moment. Her mobile rang. Seeing that the caller was Mach, Jordan's face lit up immediately. She answered the call cheerily. "What's happenin in Sydney, Jordan?" They spoke for a while about Haley and her not going back to work for Studio Z and the possibility of her returning to Cairns. Then Mach said, "Guess who came over the other night?" "Who?" "Megan's ex. Megs said she finally looked her ex up, wanting to catch up, whatevs, you know? So anyway, we had a barbie and she came over." "Mm hm." Jordan wasn't sure why Mach was telling her all that. "Guess who her ex turned out to be." "How the hell would I know that, Mach?" Jordan said, rolling her eyes. "Just. Guess." "Wha- Mach, I don't know that many people in Cairns." "Exactly. Guess!" Jordan sighed. "Alex?" "Nope." "Mach..." "No, I'm with Kelly, remember?" Jordan laughed helplessly. "Fine. Julie?" "Nope." "No idea." "Who's the other person you know...?" "Stef?" "Bingo." Jordan paused for a moment. "Stef is Megan's ex?" She had to clarify. For some reason, she couldn't imagine Stef with anyone but herself. She tried to recall Megan's face to piece beside Stef's. The picture looked odd in her mind's eye. "Uh huh. Like for over a year or something." "Wow. Small world. Um." Jordan walked over to her fridge and rummaged around for a beer. "So, how's Stef doing?" "You don't know?" Mach sounded suspicious. "Well... Not really. I mean, we just send the occasional text. I haven't spoken to her or anything." She popped open her beer and took a big gulp. "She looked all right. It was a good night, minus the slight tension between them. And the look on Stef's face when she saw us... Man. I think she's leaving Cairns next week." Jordan placed her bottle of beer on her kitchen bench. "Where's she off to?" She traced the rim of the bottle with a long finger, wishing that she was back there in Cairns, wishing that she hadn't left the bubble. Now everything felt different and she didn't know what to do, or if there was anything she could or would do. . "Dunno. She was pretty vague. I think she was pretty spun out, what with finding out that we were Megan's housemates and stuff. Megan looked really weirded out too, when she found out how we knew Stef." When the phone conversation ended, Jordan went to a window with her bottle of beer and finished it there in silence. She had considered talking to Mach about how she was feeling--her awkwardness in admitting that she had hooked up with Stef--but when Mach told her that Stef was going travelling, it seemed kinda redundant to even bring it up. Perhaps it was all well and good to leave it as a beautiful memory that she would look back on once in a while. It felt really good to take a hiatus from work, Jordan decided. In the weeks that she had gotten back from Cairns, she had hung out with her friends, done a lot of drawing, spent a lot of time on her own wandering the streets or lying in the sun at the beach. Today was her birthday. She hadn't made any plans for it and was content to just let it pass quietly like any other day but it didn't seem like it was going to happen that way. First off, her mobile's been receiving numerous Happy Birthday's texts, which made her smile. Then came the flowers, from Mach and Kelly, probably Kelly's idea--Jordan knew that Mach avoided sending people flowers like the plague--and, surprisingly, from James Beacon. Jordan didn't even think that James knew when her birthday was. He had rung her up personally to wish her a Happy Birthday, and then suggested taking her out to dinner when she said that she hadn't made plans for the evening. She was hesitant about accepting the invitation. "I cleared my schedule for tonight, Jordan. It'll be nice to see you again." He sounded really nice and genuine, so she agreed. They had dinner at a fancy restaurant called Jade. He had appeared with another bunch of flowers, looking very attractive in a black pinstriped shirt and tailored pants. His dark hair had grown longer and was brushing his collar and he had the beginnings of a beard. He looked very rugged and handsome and Jordan found herself feeling very flattered by his attention. They were seated in a special section of the restaurant where they were cut off from the general public, away from prying eyes. "You look beautiful," James commented, making Jordan blush slightly. "Thanks. You don't look too bad yourself." "Cheers. Now, are we hungry? Someone recommended this place rather highly," James said. The evening went by in a flash. Jordan was reminded of the times that she worked with James and of the time in Cairns that was in reality not too long ago but in her mind seemed a lifetime ago. Soon, they were walking to James' car. They had shared a bottle of champagne so James suggested that they took a walk in the garden before he drove her home. The garden was dimly lit with fairy lights and had a cozy ambience. Jordan smiled to herself; it was turning out to be a lovely evening. She was glad that she accepted James' invitation to dinner. The champagne had relaxed her and she was feeling slightly warm and relaxed. And reminded of the last time she had champagne with Stef at the Esplanade. And how they ended up at the Four Season's. The unbidden memory made her flush. She wondered where Stef was at the moment and what she was doing. Did she think of her? Was she disappointed at the way things turned out? Did she care? Jordan was jolted out of her thoughts by the sight of candles lining a small hedge. In the centre of the display was a cake with a single candle in the middle. James took in her look of surprise with pleasure and started singing Happy Birthday in his low, husky voice. It was perfect. The entire evening, the attention paid to her, the surprises lined up for her... James tilted his head and touched his lips to hers. She let out a small breath of surprise and allowed her eyes to flutter shut. She pulled away when the kiss ended. It was nice but it felt all wrong; she wasn't sure why exactly. She saw James smiling at her and felt him leaning towards her again. Not wanting to be rude but not wanting to repeat the kiss either, she quickly went towards the cake. "Make a wish," James said. Jordan closed her eyes but her mind drew up a blank. She quickly made a wish about Happiness and blew out the candle. "It's getting late," she said. "Thank you so much for this evening, James. It was beautiful. And you made me feel very special." "You are special, Jordan. You're very special to me. I-" Jordan quickly interrupted him before he went on too far, not wishing to hear a confession of love or any sort. She didn't want this evening to end on a bad note. "Thank you. Dinner was lovely, and so're the flowers and this cake. I don't know what to say." "You don't have to say anything, Jordan." "I think we should go. I'm expecting a call from... my mum. She, um, said she would call at ten and I want to be home for it," she lied. "Oh, sure. Let's go." "Thanks for a lovely evening again, James. I'll be all right, you don't have to get out," Jordan said when James killed the car engine. James studied her face, then nodded. "You're very welcome. I, um, I'd love to take you out to dinner again, Jordan." Jordan didn't know what to say to that. "Sure," she said finally. "It'll be fun to hang out again. Gimme a text or something when you're free," she added casually, hoping to make light of the situation. James looked like he was going to say something, thought better of it, and bade her goodnight. He leaned towards her again and she turned her face and kissed his cheek. He paused, returned the kiss on her cheek, and pulled away. "I'll see you soon then," he said. "Yea, have a good night, James," Jordan replied. "I already did." Jordan smiled at that and let herself out of his car. She waited till he drove away before walking towards her block of apartments. "Jordan." At the call of her name, Jordan spun around and her eyes widened in surprise when she made out who the person was. "Stef!" Indeed, Stef was standing there in the pale moonlight, looking a little sheepish. "Hey," she greeted, as though it was a natural occurence for her to be standing there. "What are you doing here?" Jordan asked. "Oh, you know, was in the neighbourhood, thought I'd drop by, wish you a happy birthday." "Okay..." Stef wasn't quite sure what kind of reaction she would get from Jordan, appearing out of the blue the way she did, but what was unfolding was probably one of the worst case scenarios. First off, Jordan hadn't been home; this was expected because it was her birthday. But seeing Jordan return home in James Beacon's car... that stabbed at her heart. Feeling entirely stupid and wishing that she was anywhere but there, Stef bit the inside of her cheek and decided to make it as painless as possible for herself. "Yea well. Happy Birthday. Here." She handed a large package wrapped in brown paper to Jordan and waited impatiently for it to leave her hands so that she could sprint out of the compound and into the dark night, taking her crushed emotions with her. "Thank you," Jordan said, her eyes softening. She knew that she was acting a little standoffish but Stef being in Sydney, Stef at her apartment, made her world spin. "Yea, goodnight. See ya then," Stef said quickly and started walking away, anxious to lose herself in the cloak of darkness. "Wha- Wait, where are you going?" Jordan called out. "Off. Nice to see ya. Bye." Jordan let her leave. Stef had sounded resigned when she bade Jordan farewell. Over the next few days, Jordan couldn't help thinking about it, especially when her eyes landed on the birthday present from Stef. She had thought about contacting Stef but she kept putting it off. Her eyes landed on the framed photo of the waterfall that they had spent the day at not so long ago, and Jordan sighed. She was in the picture, her face partially turned away from the camera. Her expression was soft, wistful. She looked happy, content. Her mobile rang and her heart skipped a beat. The number was private; she answered the call after a moment's deliberation. It was Haley. She smiled as she listened to his account of his initial leg of journey. He had tried to avoid the touristy areas and was currently riding around the countryside, putting up his tent when he got tired. He had reached a town the night before and thought of calling Jordan to wish her a belated birthday. "So what did you do?" "Went out for dinner." "Mates? Someone special? Did that someone you mentioned come up from Cairns?" Jordan sat down at her coffee table. "No, no, yes. I- Haley, the person I got with in Cairns is a woman and her name is Stef." "Uh huh. She nice? She must be. So she came to Sydney? Dish, Jordan. I haven't said two sentences to anyone for about a week now and I'm in sore need of a conversation," Haley said laughingly. Haley didn't even bat an eyelid at the fact that her fling was with a woman, Jordan thought. And she hadn't, initially, so why now? "I think I'm freaking out that I hooked up with a woman," Jordan confessed. "I really like her but, I don't know, I guess at the time I didn't think about how it would fit into my life, here, you know?" "What do you mean 'fit into your life'? You either dig someone or you don't. You want to see them or you don't. It's not like you have to start acting a different way when you hook up with another chick; it's about how you perceive yourself, Jordan, not how the world might or might not perceive you." "I guess it's just easier if it remains a beautiful memory," Jordan said at last. "You're the only one who knows how you feel so go with that," Haley said. "Do what makes you happy, Jordan, but don't let a stupid thing like public perception decide who you're going to be with. I gotta go, kid. The phone card's beeping-" And the line went dead. Jordan stared at her mobile and finally made up a text to Stef asking if she wanted to go to a party with her that evening. Stef was staying with some mates of Alex in a suburb that neighboured Jordan's. Every day, she would think about leaving Sydney to continue southwards along the coast but something would stop her. At first, she was hopeful that Jordan would contact her. And when she hadn't, Stef decided that she wasn't going to leave Sydney just because Jordan rejected her, in not so many words. She would go in her own time. Then she thought about what Mach said the other night on the yacht about fighting for something worthwhile. She had always taken the easy way out; she never stayed, never really tried--she would do something to test the waters and always backed off when the signals that she received were faintly negative. She wasn't sure if anything would come out of this but she wanted Jordan and she would remain in Sydney to consider her next course of action. It felt like gambling. So when Jordan's text to hang out came, it felt like she was releasing the breath that she had been holding for days now. "That the lady? What did she want?" Te, short for Teresa, asked. They were sitting in Te's and Jem's leafy backyard in Enmore. Their house was in a small street that turned off the main road where the general bustle was. So even though it was close to the public buses, it wasn't noisy and Stef could almost believe that she wasn't in Sydney most of the time. She had been hanging out heaps with Te, who was doing her second degree in university and was currently on her spring break. Te and Jem had a piano in their rented house, something that the last tenant had left behind and the landlord had not been bothered to move. But since neither of them played, it had been a treat when Stef started mucking around on it. Stef got on really well with Te. Te was a good sounding board. She wasn't judgemental and was honest in her observations. Since she arrived in Sydney, she spent most of her time sussing out good snorkelling spots, sometimes with Te, mostly alone. "She wants to know if I'm free to go to a party with her tonight." Te smirked. "She's pretty sure of her standing with you, huh." Stef looked at her, surprised. "What do you mean?" Te shrugged. "I dunno, her presumption that you're still around, waiting for her to call or something. I might be completely wrong, of course, but it kinda feels that way." Stef was silent for a bit, then she smiled. "Well, what can I say? She's a smart one." "Have fun at the party tonight, Stef." Te smiled. "You wanna come? It's a party and, well, if things get awkward, it'll be nice to have a friend. That is, if you haven't got plans already." Te thought for a bit, then shrugged. "I don't mind if it's cool with her." The party was held at Dora's house. It was someone's farewell slash a housewarming party slash someone's homecoming party. Jordan had arranged to meet Stef and the friend that she was bringing at the corner of the street at a quarter past nine. By the time they got to the party, it was already in full swing. Jordan didn't know everyone at the party but there were more than several familiar faces and she felt comfortable. Stef and Te said their Hello's and introduced themselves to several people who seemed bothered to reciprocate their friendliness when the topic of what everyone did came up and Te said that she was doing an Arts degree in the University of Sydney. "I thought you looked familiar. Narratives of English--you're in my tutorial." A pretty blonde who had introduced herself as Justine said to Te. "Cool, whom do you know to get invited to this party?" It turned out that Justine was the sister of one of the girls who had just moved into the house. They got to chatting and Stef joined in; she felt more and more relaxed as time went by and more alcohol was consumed. She felt a little let down that Jordan disappeared into the throng of partygoers as soon as they entered the house and as time went by without contact with Jordan, she was beginning to wonder why she was even invited to the party. Jordan realized that she hadn't spoken more than two sentences to Stef the entire night since their Hello's at the corner of Glebe Point Road. She kept searching Stef out in the crowd, however, sometimes spending long discreet moments just looking at her. It was almost as though Stef had forgotten her existence. She seemed to be having a great time, talking to the people around her. "Hey Jordan, good to see you, how's the trip to Cairns?" Dora asked. "It was fantastic. How have you been, Dora? Great place you got here." "Thanks! Oh it must have been so exciting to be on the set of James Beacon's music video! How hot is he? Any goss?" Jordan chuckled and shook her head. "Nah, he's a really nice bloke. Genuine, down-to-earth, great person." "No hanky panky between him and the staff? I find that hard to believe! Everyone wants him. Don't you think he's like the catch of the year?" Dora persisted. If she told Dora that she had spent her birthday with James at Jade, she would hear no end of it, so Jordan kept her mouth shut and nodded agreeably with Dora. She looked over to where she had seen Stef last but couldn't see her anymore. Stef couldn't fully enjoy herself because Jordan's presence was a constant nagging at the back of her head. After her third beer, she decided to walk over and chat with Jordan; after her fourth, she decided to walk over and pash Jordan; after her fifth, she decided that if she didn't go to the toilet to empty her bladder, she would make a huge fool of herself. Justine had kindly pointed her in the direction of one of the toilets in the house. After she was done, she spent a long moment staring at herself in the bathroom mirror. Water droplets ran down the sides of her face from when she doused her head with water. She looked as though she had just gone swimming. Her eyes were slightly unfocussed, her green t-shirt was partially wet, and her hair was in a mess. She painted a rather pathetic looking picture. She cleaned herself up some, then let herself out of the bathroom. She would go and chat with Jordan, she decided, then she would get Te and they would get the fuck outta here. She was starving. She wouldn't have bothered coming to the party if she had known that this would happen, she thought angrily. Then she sighed, her anger dissipating as quickly as it appeared. If she were to be honest, she still would have come just so that she could be close to Jordan. Pathetic. Jordan turned when she felt a jab on her waist. Stef caught a whiff of the perfume that Jordan had on and she closed her eyes briefly. "Hey, how you doing?" Stef started casually when she recovered herself. She was feeling awkward already, without a drink in her hand. "Yea, good. Thanks for the present, I really like it. I hung it up." Jordan was glad that Stef had come over to initiate a conversation. She was getting a little tired and wanted to make a move soon. Stef's cheeks were flushed, Jordan noted, and her face and hair were damp. She always associated Stef with water: the cruise boat, tequila, beer, waterfall, yacht party... Then her mind went to more intimate memories and she quickly ended the thought. "Cool. I'm glad you like it. It's one of my favourites." Was this the same girl she had hung out with not that long ago? Stef wondered. Because right now they were acting as though they didn't know each other very well at all and it felt odd. The easiness that they shared couldn't have been imagined, could it? Where were the special looks, the familiar curve of lips, the seductive pull of eyes, the comfortable closeness? Jordan nodded. "How long you gonna be in Sydney for?" she asked, curious. Did she come for her or was she just passing through? What was her agenda? Did she have any agenda? Stef hesitated, then decided that if this was a card game, then she was all in. She went with blatant honesty and hoped for the best, crossing herself mentally. "As long as you're here." It was the last answer Jordan had expected and Stef had expected to say. But there it was, out in the open. Jordan looked surprised and slightly uncomfortable so Stef forged on, throwing caution to the wind. She had nothing to lose anyway. "I think we could be good together. We are good together. I know you say you're not looking for a relationship but... I found you. Relationship is just a stupid term. We don't have to think in those terms. It could just be you and me. Fuck the relationship, we could just hang out heaps and it'll be swell." Jordan started chuckling halfway through Stef's little spiel. Stef always put things in such a refreshing way. "I don't know, Stef," Jordan said after she stopped chuckling. "My life is just a little bit uncertain right now and... I'm not sure what or who I want in my life, to what extent, I'm just a little lost I guess." Stef's heart fell. But then she told herself that Jordan wasn't rejecting her outright; there was still a possibility. So even though what Jordan said about not sure who she wanted in her life--was James Beacon her other choice?--Stef forged on. "Yea, I can totally understand that. Do what you have to do, but don't shut me out. I just want to be a part of your life. We can hang out, talk, do the grocery, you know. You can listen to me play the piano--badly. We can go snorkelling and not have to talk at all. We can do anything, everything." Jordan thought for a moment; there was just no way she could turn this woman's suggestion down. It just wouldn't be right. It wouldn't hurt to hang out, as long as Stef didn't push anything. Jordan knew herself: when she felt cornered, she ran. "Okay," she said finally. She wasn't promising Stef anything but a friendship, as far as she was concerned. "Okay." Stef felt the stirrings of happiness in her chest. It had taken a mere word to lift her spirits. There was the question of what she was going to do in Sydney; she couldn't possibly crash at Te's and Jem's indefinitely, slacking her days away. But that could wait till the next day or week. She had all the time in the world to think about that. And then there was James Beacon. Was Jordan considering seeing him? Was she already seeing him? She had to push all those niggling thoughts out of her head. "Mach said you went over to theirs?" Jordan said, changing the subject. Relieved that Jordan changed the topic, Stef gave a short bark of laughter. "Oh yea. Man, that was a mindfuck. I was totally not expecting to see Mach and Kelly there. Megs' housemates, what a small world!" Stef said, shaking her head. Talking about Mach, Kelly and Megan made Jordan feel as though they were transported back to Cairns. She relaxed slightly and finished her drink. "So, you and Megan, huh. It is such a small world, hey. How long ago did you guys go out?" Stef shrugged. "A year ago? No, two? Something like that. We haven't spoken in like, almost a year. She, um, totally cut me out of her life after the break up. It hurt a lot. Now she says she wants to be friends. I'm not sure how that works... You don't just be friends again, I mean, friends make time for each other, friends make the effort to stay in each other's lives..." she trailed off, not wanting to start ranting about that to Jordan, of all people. Jordan thought about her own situation with Haley and nodded. She understood completely and she was glad that Haley and she were trying to stay in each other's lives. "So, what are you doing tomorrow?" Jordan asked. "I dunno, getting rid of the hang over that this night is sure to bring?" Stef replied. Her answer made Jordan chuckle. "Play the piano, have tea, maybe go to the beach again. I might look for a place near the ocean." Stef felt her mind wander at the thought of actually finding a place to rent in Sydney. It seemed so impulsive, so out of the blue. Then her instincts took over and she felt the overwhelming urge to quit while she was ahead even though she was loathed to leave Jordan's company. "I'm gonna get Te and go. I'm starving. Thanks for hanging out, it was good to see you. We'll talk soon, okay?" Jordan was surprised at the abruptness of Stef's departure. Stef didn't even lean over for a kiss or hug; she merely, rather awkwardly, touched Jordan's arm before she turned to go. Jordan followed Stef with her eyes, a part of her wanting to stop her from going, wanting to continue the conversation. Then, after a final look back at Jordan, a wry smile when their eyes met, Stef was gone. The friendship between Jordan and Stef started tentatively. At first, they exchanged text messages, then they started meeting for coffees and Jordan started coming over to the house in Enmore to hang out, making dinners and having tea in the leafy backyard. Every time she got to see Jordan, Stef felt reinforced in her decision to come to Sydney to try and make something happen. But in saying that, ever since the night at the party that she attended with Te, she never once brought up the possibility of them being together. Stef was good at giving space; it was being ignored that she couldn't deal with too well. James Beacon never came up in any of their conversations. As time went by, Stef felt more and more reassured that he didn't play an important part in Jordan's life. And even if they did hook up after Jordan returned to Sydney--something she would rather never know--they definitely weren't seeing each other anymore. It was a huge relief for Stef. "The apartments in Coogee are bloody expensive, Stef, is your love of water that great?" Te quipped, her eyes rounding at yet another atrocious rental amount in the papers. It was a Thursday night and Stef was in the kitchen with Te and Jem, trying to decide what to have for tea. "I think I'll just go down to the area and see if there are rooms for rent. I don't think I can afford a whole apartment on my own," Stef said. "I like the area heaps. It's so relaxed--the bit away from the main beach, that is--and peaceful." "Coogee, you say?" Jem asked, biting into her dinner. It was one of the rare occasions that she was home. "I know some people who live in Coogee. I could ask around for ya." "Wouldya? That would be awesome," Stef said. She put the kettle on and reached for a mug. "I've got a fair bit saved up but I don't want to blow it all on rent. I'm thinking of maybe getting some work at a café or something a coupla days a week." "You should take the piano with you, too," Jem suggested. "Nah. What other excuse would I have to come over then?" Stef said with a cheeky smile. Jem and Te laughed. "I think that was Jem's subtle way of telling you that you're not welcome here no more," Te joked. "Speak for yourself, Te. How's that little romance of yours coming along? She's been hanging out here a fair bit eh, from what I can gather. I hope you guys haven't done it on my bed." Te started seeing Justine, the pretty blonde who was in the same english class she was in, shortly after they met at the party. It was a whirlwind romance that Te was sure would die off rather quickly but she was enjoying it immensely at the moment. "Jem! As if I would do a thing like that!" Te said, flushing pink. "Speaking of which, I'm late. You coming, Stef?" "I dunno, I think I'm getting old. I'll stay here with Jem, I reckon," Stef said, not in the mood for booze and socializing that evening. "Suit yourself. Jordan might be there, though..." Te said, wriggling her brows. She was attending a gig with Justine and some other mates at a local pub. It was a place where Jordan frequented as well. Stef shook her head. "Nah. Not interested. Have fun, Te. Have a beer for me." After Te left, Stef shared a smile with Jem and went over to the kitchen counter to make herself a sandwich. Stef didn't get to hang out with Jem very much as she was rarely home, but she liked Jem immensely. Jem was a scientist and was currently researching on the flora and fauna at a national park a few hours from Sydney city. She held herself with a quiet, confident air; Stef had to admit that she had developed a crush on the older woman fairly quickly. She was a sucker for confident women. "How're you liking Sydney, Stef?" Jem inquired. "It's good, when it gets too fast for me, I go snorkelling. Which is often." They shared a laugh. "I know what you mean. I love this city but I don't think I could live here if I'm not working where I am, doing what I'm doing. Well, you have a good night, Stef, I'm going to catch up on some reading and then I'm off to bed." "Goodnight, Jem," Stef said, slightly disappointed that Jem wasn't going to hang out a little longer. Now she was left on her own and she didn't feel like crashing yet. When Jem's door closed on the second floor, Stef made her way to the lounge room where the piano was. She placed her cup of tea on the counter beside the piano and sat down, flipping the pages of the music book that she had recently purchased to the page where Für Elise was. She started playing, softly, so as not to disturb Jem, her fingers gliding effortlessly over the keys. It pleased her that she was playing so much better now. Jordan was getting ready for bed when her mobile rang. She was back at her old workplace, taking on casual shifts so that she had more time for herself, and she had an early shift the next morning. But she picked up the call anyway. It was James and he wanted to know if she was free to take a drive with him up to the Blue Mountains the next day. He had just returned from another promotional tour and had a week off. She declined his invitation, citing her need to go to work. "Why don't you come back to work for Studio Z, Jordan?" "I need more time for myself. I'm going to take a course at Tafe, teach english as a second language. Maybe go travel and work overseas for a bit." Working overseas was just a thought at the moment but it would be a great certificate to have if she did decide to do it. The world was opening up to her and she wanted to make the best of it. "How about dinner then? I'll come pick you up tomorrow evening. Say... seven?" Jordan had to give him points for his persistence. "I'm actually thinking of going over to a friend's tomorrow, James." "Okay then. What about the day after?" "How about I give you a text when I'm free and maybe we could catch up one night during the week?" "All right," James said quietly, but Jordan thought she could hear a note of reluctance in his voice. James Beacon was asking her out and she kept turning him down. What was wrong with her? And what was up with him? Her life was falling into place slowly, though, and she thought that she ought to say something to him about her pursuit of something more with her. It wouldn't be fair otherwise. "James," she started, "I really like hanging out with you. I think you're fantastic." "Ah... it's The Speech," James said, sounding disappointed. Jordan tried to get her words out as quickly as possible, feeling extremely awkward. "I just don't feel it with you. I'm so-" "It's that chick in Cairns, isn't it? The chick you were seeing... are you still into her?" Jordan didn't know what to say to such a direct question. Was she, or wasn't she? "She's here in Sydney. I'm not seeing her at the moment, we're just hanging out but... Yes, I'm still into her," she said finally. She found it ironical that she was sharing this with James Beacon, of all people. And that he was the person who actually got her to come to that conclusion. James remained silent for a long moment and Jordan began to think that he had hung the phone up on her. Then he sighed audibly. "Fair play," he said grudgingly. "I'd still like to hang out, though, Jordan, as mates. I do genuinely enjoy your company." He was such a gallant fella, Jordan thought. A girl could so easily fall for him. But she had already fallen for someone else. "I would like that very much too, James. You have a good night now." Jordan was about to turn her mobile off when it rang again. What was this, social night? She looked at the caller and was surprised to see that it was Stef. Stef hardly rung her, preferring to communicate via text messages. "Hello?" There was no reply on the other end. Instead, Für Elise started playing. After getting over her initial surprise, Jordan snuggled under her covers and turned off her bed lamp, her mobile still attached to her ear. She was drifting off to sleep with a dreamy smile on her face when the music ended. "Still there?" "Mm hm," Jordan answered, her eyes still closed. "Goodnight, Jordan." "Goodnight, Stef." Stef was on her way with Jem to Coogee Bay. One of Jem's contacts had come through. They had a room for rent but hadn't wanted to go through an agent. Tim and Barbara were an elderly married couple who had two dogs and whose children were all grown up and no longer living at home. They were frequently away and wanted someone who could help house- and dog-sit while they were away. Having Jem to vouch for Stef's character was a bonus; this way they didn't have to worry half as much as if they rented the room out to a complete stranger. The house was on a steep slope in one of the streets that stemmed from Coogee Bay Road. It was a mere fifteen minutes walk to the shops and it was close to a dog park that overlooked the water, the haven of Tim's and Barbara's two huskies. "This is perfect. This is everything I'm hoping for," Stef said when she saw the room and the location of the house. Because it was a part house- and dog-sitting gig, the rent was lowered considerably. Stef couldn't believe her luck. "Great, well, we're happy for you to move in as soon as you like. We'll be going away next week for about a month, so... maybe this weekend is a good time?" Tim said, peering at Stef over his glasses. "Yea, sure, I'm easy. This weekend it is," Stef said, so happy that she had found a place. She smiled at Jem excitedly, unable to contain her excitement. Jem saw the look on her face and smirked, shaking her head. "Thanks so much for this, Jem. I owe you one. How about dinner, on me?" Stef asked as they strolled away from the house. The sky was darkening and Stef's tummy rumbled as though on cue. It had to be time for dinner. Jem smiled. "Yea, sure, but you don't have to buy me dinner." "Oh, I want to. Please. It would be my pleasure," Stef said. They strolled along Coogee Bay Road, a little overwhelmed by the number of food places that were available. "I think someone mentioned that this is a nice place," Jem said finally when they approached a gate that looked into a small courtyard. Stef glanced at the woman beside her and nodded, suddenly feeling like everything was beginning to fall into place. When they sat down across from each other, Stef had a passing thought about how much like a date it felt like and it made her a little nervous. Stef found Jem to be so quietly confident in the way that she carried herself. She wasn't loud or flashy but her presence was strong and Stef always felt drawn towards her. Their dinner arrived and conversation flowed rather easily. Stef felt like a teenager with her crush and ridiculously shy. When Jem asked if there was someone special in Stef's life, Stef found herself hesitating. "Um. I'm not sure," she said truthfully. "What about you?" "Nope, what do you mean you're not sure?" Jem was single. Why did that make Stef feel all funny with the possibilities that this presented? "Well... there's someone but she's not sure she wants to be with me so..." "What do you want?" "I followed her all the way from Cairns and I'm staying here." Stef shrugged. "What does that mean, exactly?" "Wha- What do you mean?" "My question was 'What do you want?'." Stef finished her glass of water and leaned back in her chair. "I don't know." "So you're as half-hearted as she?" Jem pushed her empty plate away from her. She lifted her wine glass but didn't sip from it. Stef sighed, "I guess I'm a reactor. It's already freaked me out as it is that I'm here and have just found a place to live in." "So she's pretty special." Stef looked at Jem for a long moment, weighing her feelings. "When she's with me I don't think about anything or anyone else. I know I want to be with her but if you want reasons, I can't even begin to explain why. I could start on how beautiful I find her but that is just infatuation. So... I really don't know." "So it sounds like you're an initiator too. And one who's in love, at that." In Love. "You don't reckon it's a little full on?" Stef asked finally. Jem seemed to consider the question, then she sipped her wine and shrugged. "It never is when it's mutual." Stef could only hope fervently that it was. It was a windy day. Stef pulled her cap closer to her head, afraid that it was going to get blown away. She chucked her things into her new room and bit her lower lip. There were moments where she would stop and when that happened, she would ask herself if she knew what she was doing. But that moment would pass and she would keep on moving. It was kinda scary putting herself out there. Jordan entered her room then with the last of her things and all of Stef's doubts went away. "Cheers for helping me move," she said. "No worries. Good thing you didn't bring the piano with ya, that's all I'm sayin," Jordan joked. She reached for Stef's cap and put it on her own head backwards. "I might get a keyboard, we'll see. I think I saw a music store somewhere..." "This is an amazing house. You lucked out." "I know, eh. I'm starved, what about you? Let's get outta here. I'll unpack later." Stef wasn't looking forward to that particular chore. They ended up getting takeaway and had it on the cliff overlooking the crashing waves. It was one of Stef's favourite spots at Coogee, away from the hustle and bustle, away from the sun lovers. The sun cast orange rays across the sky. The wind died down to a comfortable breeze. Stef took a deep breath and exhaled, feeling content. Her tummy was full and Jordan was sitting beside her. She had been at her best behaviour all this while when she was around Jordan, never once mentioning the intimacy that they shared in Cairns, or alluding to the possibility of rekindling that passion. But this moment was just perfect; she had to say what was on her mind. "You know, there's no one else I'd rather be with right this moment." Jordan smiled, feeling rather shy. Not knowing what to say to that, she followed up with a completely random question. "How's Kylie?" "Not too bad. She got to meet mum's boyfriend. She likes him, so I reckon he's a keeper." "Did she like me?" Jordan asked without thinking, then slapped herself on her forehead mentally. What kind of question was that? Stef looked at her curiously. "I think so." Then she added, rather seriously, "But I reckon I like you more." Jordan chuckled, finding Stef's ability to make light of the situation while still managing to get the message across rather impressive. She was enjoying Stef's company a lot, on a different level to when they were in Cairns. That was mad lust and infatuation and it was crazy and passionate. Now, she was getting to know Stef a lot better on a platonic level--well, not that platonic, because Jordan couldn't seem to keep that buzzing feeling away; the feeling that was growing because things were so platonic between them. It had been weeks--almost two months--since Stef first showed up at her place. Towards the end of the first month, they had started hanging out quite regularly, always spontaneous, which Jordan really liked. At the start of the second month, her Tafe course began, but somehow they still found time for each other. Jordan finally told her friends about her involvement with Stef when they were in Cairns, and it wasn't as big of a deal as she thought it would be. When they were out in public, Jordan found herself so preoccupied with Stef that most of the time she hardly even notice the people around them. "So, I thought I might get a job in one of the cafés around here." "Waiting tables?" "Making coffee. I used to work as a barrister. Back in the day." Jordan rose a brow. "I didn't know that." "Plenty about me you don't know, lady." "So tell me." Stef looked at Jordan, judging her seriousness. "It's not that interesting." "Well, I know that you play the piano, that you're currently playing a piece called 'Six Variations', you take great pictures, you like to travel, you have a cosxwain ticket, you share an apartment with your sister in Cairns and your mother lives in Yungaburra and her boyfriend sells seafood." Stef laughed. "That's quite a lot that you know, actually." "You take two sugars in your tea and coffee, and you like codfish." "And lamb." "Yes, that. And you take your steak medium rare." Stef burst out laughing. "I sound like an RPG character with likes and dislikes that people can learn about and list out." "Only people who care to and take notice of." Stef smiled. "Yea. I think I love you, Jordan." Jordan looked at Stef, alarmed at what she just said, but her heart did a curious flip. "I think I'm full. Wanna get going?" Stef said, rubbing her tummy. She couldn't believe that she had just blurted that out! She looked around at everything but Jordan, trying to sound nonchalant, hoping that Jordan wouldn't stand up and run off or never return her calls again after today. "No, wait, you just said..." This habit of Stef to jump from something serious like I Love You to something mundane like I Think I'm Full, Wanna Get Going? drove her nuts. "What did you say earlier?" "It just slipped out. I'm sorry." Seeing no way out of the situation, Stef came clean. She hadn't planned any of this; her mind was racing, as was her heart. "So you didn't mean to say it," Jordan said, starting to feel childishly offended. "No. But doesn't mean I don't mean it," Stef said slowly. Jordan took a second to digest what Stef just said. "Okay. So you think you love me but I'm not meant to know that." Stef chuckled rather weakly. "Yup." "Okay, I'm full too. Let's go." Jordan sounded so short; Stef felt as though she was slipping through her fingers--just because she couldn't keep her big mouth shut long enough. Seriously. From zero to I Love You, that had to be hard to bear. Stef peered at Jordan who looked so cute in her green cap, her eyebrows knitted together in a slight frown. They stood up together and when Jordan was dusting her hands, looking at the flat, gray rock that they were sitting on, Stef stepped closer to her and put a tentative, slightly trembling hand on her waist. Jordan looked up, surprised but not entirely displeased. She hadn't been this close to Stef since she left Cairns and the closeness made her heart race. When Jordan didn't pull away, Stef derived courage from that and leaned closer. Soft lips came towards Jordan. Her breath mingled with Stef's. She had time to pull away if she wanted, but she didn't. She didn't know why she had so many reservations with regards to being with Stef but they didn't matter anymore. Relationship was just a concept, Stef was right, in her annoying but lovable philosophical manner, just like being an Adult, or Tall. All that mattered was that she wanted that hand on her waist, that breath in her face, those lips to touch hers. They kissed on the flat, gray rock, with the waning sun behind them, and the waves crashing beneath them. They were back in the bubble; then Jordan realized that they had never really left it. They were merely reinforcing it, making sure that it was what they both wanted. And maybe life would always be uncertain, always changing; people would always be uncertain and always changing. But there were moments of certitude, and these moments were the pivotal points of life. When the kiss broke, Jordan sighed contentedly and rested her cheek on Stef's shoulder, her eyes fluttering shut. Stef's arms tightened around Jordan; the pressure was comforting and pleasurable. Stef rested her cheek against Jordan's head, happy beyond words. She had taken a chance and it hadn't blown up in her face. She had taken a chance and now she had Jordan in her arms. "So," Stef started, and cleared her throat as her voice broke. "This could be something?" she asked, but her smile wouldn't leave her face. "Maybe." Jordan's voice was muffled. "So maybe you wanna hang out..." Stef trailed off, then added, "Heaps?" "Heaps as in 'a lot'?" Jordan smiled against Stef's neck. "Smart kid." "Don't we already?" They looked at each other with laughing eyes. Stef cupped Jordan's face in her palm and pulled her in for another long, searching kiss. |